It's been a while...

So much has happened since our last post. Our son just celebrated his 4th month. We have been healing as a family and soaking in the joy of his presence in our lives. We have returned to the normal riggers of raising 3 children. Some days are more challenging than others but we are so grateful for the happiness they bring to us.

Since our last post we celebrated Penelope's first anniversary of her passing. It was tough to get through. We went to the cemetery to place flowers. Oddly, we didn't feel the same connection/emotions at the cemetery for her anniversary as we did for her birthday. Maybe because the birthday was the first time going back after her burial. I personally do not associate the site with her. I feel her everywhere.  We probably will not be back until her 2nd birthday.

On her anniversary we held a poetry reading in honor of her life. I read 10 poems that I had written throughout the year. I hope to upload the recording onto the blog so everyone can hear it. It was incredibly healing. We had friends and family there to support us.

Shortly after her anniversary we received a note from the family that received Penny's heart.  It was an amazingly bittersweet event. We wanted so bad to hear how the little girl was doing that we didn't factor in how we'd feel once we did. The family was very gracious to us in the letter and let us know the child is doing better and on the road to recovery.  We aren't sure if we will meet them yet. They have offered. We haven't yet written back. It is something we are working through.

On June 7th we ran the NJ Sharing Network 5k. We had a team of great and caring friends running with us. We were able to raise almost $500 for the organization. I ran it with our 6 year old. The day before I explained, as best I could, about organ donation and how Penny was a donor.  Really wanted her to understand why we were running. I think she did.

In HeavenSentPenny news; we plan on sending a couple of care packages out soon.  We are putting our hearts into these first two HeavenSentPenny boxes. Will have updates on how they come out.

We hope to be more frequent in our posts moving forward. The last 4 months have been a whirlwind. Our minds have been so occupied with the little guy and healing as best we can. We are still so very grateful for the support we received after our loss and all the support we are still receiving from our amazing family and friends. It really has been the only way we have made it this far.

Thank you again for following our journey, whether through Facebook, Instagram, the blog, or just knowing our story in person. We want so much to pay it forward. Should you know someone who has recently experienced an infant loss please direct them to us. We would love to be a support to them.

Erik & Leslie

Penn

With the birth of our son on Wednesday I was overcome with a lot of emotions.

First was fear. I was afraid of everything that could go wrong during labor. I was afraid I wouldn't bond with him at birth. I was afraid about taking him home. I was afraid of being constantly afraid.

I felt guilty. Guilty that his birth would overshadow the little girl we lost. Guilty of letting happiness come in and eliminate the sadness I've felt since she has been gone. Guilty that I would forget the pain of losing.

Happy. I felt happy because we were excited about his arrival. That we would have another little one in our lives. Happy that my children were so excited about their little brother.

As I sit here, four days removed from his birth, I feel content. I feel healed. I feel restored. I feel a guilt free joy. A joy I didn't think would ever be possible. I feel as if the weight of sadness that I've carried, that was unbearable, he lifted it off of me. I wasn't prepared for that.

I felt her presence at the hospital. As I held him for the first time it was almost like I was holding her, for the last time. In a strange way it felt like I was holding them both. That yearning to hold her again was being satisfied through him. I've never experienced such a healing experience. I obviously broke down in tears. But I haven't cried since.

I see him. I see him for him. I see him as a separate being. I was afraid my thoughts of her would overwhelm my bonding with him. But that has not been the case. I've been able to bask in everything that he is. I've held him and been able to focus solely on him.

For now I hope to continue to heal. We gave him the middle name Penn to honor his big sister Penny. We will make sure he knows who she is always.

Erik

Happy Birthday Penny.

It was a hard weekend to get through. Penny's first birthday was on Saturday. We spent Friday evening recalling our trip to the hospital to give birth. We talked about how easy the labor was with her. She was born 5 hours after we arrived. At 2am. We cried in our memories of that day.

On Saturday morning I woke up early to pick up some flowers and our rental car. Luckily enough the deli in the neighborhood had white roses. I bought 3 dozen. Walking towards the car I thought of the flowers I wouldn't get the chance to give her.

We drove to the cemetery. It was cold but it was the bluest sky I've seen in a long time. But to think of it the day we buried her was almost identical. We spent some time with her. We laid down the flowers one by one with her brother and sister. We shed less tears. This was our first time there since. I thought I'd be more emotional. Maybe it's because I believe her essence isn't in what remains here physically but what has moved on.

We struggle with associating her memory with the pain we feel. We are working on filtering the bad and remembering the good memories. I'm sure that is going to be a challenge the rest of our lives.

No we stay strong until March 29th. The anniversary of her passing. That evening I'll be reading some poems I've written through the grieving/healing process.