Penn

With the birth of our son on Wednesday I was overcome with a lot of emotions.

First was fear. I was afraid of everything that could go wrong during labor. I was afraid I wouldn't bond with him at birth. I was afraid about taking him home. I was afraid of being constantly afraid.

I felt guilty. Guilty that his birth would overshadow the little girl we lost. Guilty of letting happiness come in and eliminate the sadness I've felt since she has been gone. Guilty that I would forget the pain of losing.

Happy. I felt happy because we were excited about his arrival. That we would have another little one in our lives. Happy that my children were so excited about their little brother.

As I sit here, four days removed from his birth, I feel content. I feel healed. I feel restored. I feel a guilt free joy. A joy I didn't think would ever be possible. I feel as if the weight of sadness that I've carried, that was unbearable, he lifted it off of me. I wasn't prepared for that.

I felt her presence at the hospital. As I held him for the first time it was almost like I was holding her, for the last time. In a strange way it felt like I was holding them both. That yearning to hold her again was being satisfied through him. I've never experienced such a healing experience. I obviously broke down in tears. But I haven't cried since.

I see him. I see him for him. I see him as a separate being. I was afraid my thoughts of her would overwhelm my bonding with him. But that has not been the case. I've been able to bask in everything that he is. I've held him and been able to focus solely on him.

For now I hope to continue to heal. We gave him the middle name Penn to honor his big sister Penny. We will make sure he knows who she is always.

Erik