Recently I went to see a therapist.
What prompted my visit was a few bouts of panic attacks that I've dealt with recently. I've had anxiety and panic in the past and have usually been able to deal with it through meditation and breathing techniques. But recently the strength and the frequency have just been too much and have been coming out of nowhere. So I decided to make sure I wasn't developing PTSD or something. Which I've read can happen after experiencing a child death. Especially since I am the one that found her.
A few observations the therapist helped me make.
I have been very strong and courageous throughout this whole process. Which is great. But I am allowed to not be brave. I don't have to be strong for everyone else. I may have built up my wall too strong. Have to let my guard down.
I am a good father. And that hasn't changed because this happened. I did everything I could to give her a chance to survive once I found her. I have to stop blaming myself. As a father it is hard to separate myself from the blame when something happens to my family. But I have to try.
I have to let the grieving process happen. I've pushed myself a little too much to "feel better". I need to hurt, I need to cry, and I need to feel all of the emotions as they come, good or bad. My healing isn't going to be a light switch that goes on. It will take time. I do not know how much time.
I plan on going back soon. I think she helped me frame some of what I was already feeling/thinking.
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Erik
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Grief
Erik sent me a really interesting post yesterday. It was written by a woman who lost her son at 32 weeks pregnant. His heart simply stopped beating. She wrote the article because she realized that she had been struggling with the "right way" to grieve. Ultimately, she came to the realization that there is no right way or wrong way to grieve.
That is still something that I am struggling with.
Monday was the 29th, 6 months since Penny died. The night before I woke up around midnight, in the midst of what I think was a panic attack. I felt like I couldn't breathe, and I was very nervous that I might actually pass out. I didn't want to wake Erik, but he woke up anyway and rubbed my back until I calmed down. Since reading the article he sent me, I have come to realize that my grief is centered around struggling with the belief that I don't have a right to grieve. See, I was the one that put Penny on the bed to nap. Something I had done with Sofia and Sebastian, on more than one occasion. If we took them to a family gathering, or to a friends house, and they fell asleep, we would smooth the sheets, put up a pillow fort around them, and lay them down, occasionally popping in "just in case".
So, naturally, I feel as if Penelope's death is my fault. If I had put her in her bassinet, like a good mom, she would still be here. I know that blaming myself won't bring her back. But that doesn't stop the guilt. That doesn't stop the inner thoughts that scream at me, "Why didn't you put her in the bassinet?!?!".
I think my grieving process is being stifled by this guilt. I am so very very lucky that never once has Erik said anything along the lines of feeling as if this is my fault. And every single one of my close friends have told me the same thing: "We've all done it Les, we've all put the kids to nap on the bed. It was just an accident". And I know they are right, that is was just a horrible accident.
So for now, I am working on my guilt. I think this process will take a while, as I find it creeping in to my everyday. If dinner isn't perfect, I feel guilty. If all the laundry isn't done, folded, and put away, I feel guilty. If I don't feel up to taking Sofia and Sebastian to the park, I feel guilty. I have to allow myself the right to grieve, and feel what I feel, without the guilt overwhelming me and shaming me into blaming myself for my daughter's death. I can't say that I know right now exactly how to do that. I do know, that for the sake of my children, I won't stop until I figure it out.
ilu Princess P
LS
Erik sent me a really interesting post yesterday. It was written by a woman who lost her son at 32 weeks pregnant. His heart simply stopped beating. She wrote the article because she realized that she had been struggling with the "right way" to grieve. Ultimately, she came to the realization that there is no right way or wrong way to grieve.
That is still something that I am struggling with.
Monday was the 29th, 6 months since Penny died. The night before I woke up around midnight, in the midst of what I think was a panic attack. I felt like I couldn't breathe, and I was very nervous that I might actually pass out. I didn't want to wake Erik, but he woke up anyway and rubbed my back until I calmed down. Since reading the article he sent me, I have come to realize that my grief is centered around struggling with the belief that I don't have a right to grieve. See, I was the one that put Penny on the bed to nap. Something I had done with Sofia and Sebastian, on more than one occasion. If we took them to a family gathering, or to a friends house, and they fell asleep, we would smooth the sheets, put up a pillow fort around them, and lay them down, occasionally popping in "just in case".
So, naturally, I feel as if Penelope's death is my fault. If I had put her in her bassinet, like a good mom, she would still be here. I know that blaming myself won't bring her back. But that doesn't stop the guilt. That doesn't stop the inner thoughts that scream at me, "Why didn't you put her in the bassinet?!?!".
I think my grieving process is being stifled by this guilt. I am so very very lucky that never once has Erik said anything along the lines of feeling as if this is my fault. And every single one of my close friends have told me the same thing: "We've all done it Les, we've all put the kids to nap on the bed. It was just an accident". And I know they are right, that is was just a horrible accident.
So for now, I am working on my guilt. I think this process will take a while, as I find it creeping in to my everyday. If dinner isn't perfect, I feel guilty. If all the laundry isn't done, folded, and put away, I feel guilty. If I don't feel up to taking Sofia and Sebastian to the park, I feel guilty. I have to allow myself the right to grieve, and feel what I feel, without the guilt overwhelming me and shaming me into blaming myself for my daughter's death. I can't say that I know right now exactly how to do that. I do know, that for the sake of my children, I won't stop until I figure it out.
ilu Princess P
LS
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