Grief

Erik sent me a really interesting post yesterday. It was written by a woman who lost her son at 32 weeks pregnant. His heart simply stopped beating. She wrote the article because she realized that she had been struggling with the "right way" to grieve. Ultimately, she came to the realization that there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. 

That is still something that I am struggling with. 

Monday was the 29th, 6 months since Penny died. The night before I woke up around midnight, in the midst of what I think was a panic attack. I felt like I couldn't breathe, and I was very nervous that I might actually pass out. I didn't want to wake Erik, but he woke up anyway and rubbed my back until I calmed down. Since reading the article he sent me, I have come to realize that my grief is centered around struggling with the belief that I don't have a right to grieve. See, I was the one that put Penny on the bed to nap. Something I had done with Sofia and Sebastian, on more than one occasion. If we took them to a family gathering, or to a friends house, and they fell asleep, we would smooth the sheets, put up a pillow fort around them, and lay them down, occasionally popping in "just in case". 

So, naturally, I feel as if Penelope's death is my fault. If I had put her in her bassinet, like a good mom, she would still be here. I know that blaming myself won't bring her back. But that doesn't stop the guilt. That doesn't stop the inner thoughts that scream at me, "Why didn't you put her in the bassinet?!?!". 

I think my grieving process is being stifled by this guilt. I am so very very lucky that never once has Erik said anything along the lines of feeling as if this is my fault. And every single one of my close friends have told me the same thing: "We've all done it Les, we've all put the kids to nap on the bed. It was just an accident". And I know they are right, that is was just a horrible accident. 

So for now, I am working on my guilt. I think this process will take a while, as I find it creeping in to my everyday. If dinner isn't perfect, I feel guilty. If all the laundry isn't done, folded, and put away, I feel guilty. If I don't feel up to taking Sofia and Sebastian to the park, I feel guilty. I have to allow myself the right to grieve, and feel what I feel, without the guilt overwhelming me and shaming me into blaming myself for my daughter's death. I can't say that I know right now exactly how to do that. I do know, that for the sake of my children, I won't stop until I figure it out. 

ilu Princess P

LS