Therapy

Recently I went to see a therapist.

What prompted my visit was a few bouts of panic attacks that I've dealt with recently. I've had anxiety and panic in the past and have usually been able to deal with it through meditation and breathing techniques. But recently the strength and the frequency have just been too much and have been coming out of nowhere. So I decided to make sure I wasn't developing PTSD or something. Which I've read can happen after experiencing a child death. Especially since I am the one that found her.

A few observations the therapist helped me make.

I have been very strong and courageous throughout this whole process. Which is great. But I am allowed to not be brave. I don't have to be strong for everyone else. I may have built up my wall too strong. Have to let my guard down.

I am a good father. And that hasn't changed because this happened. I did everything I could to give her a chance to survive once I found her. I have to stop blaming myself. As a father it is hard to separate myself from the blame when something happens to my family. But I have to try.

I have to let the grieving process happen. I've pushed myself a little too much to "feel better". I need to hurt, I need to cry, and I need to feel all of the emotions as they come, good or bad. My healing isn't going to be a light switch that goes on. It will take time. I do not know how much time.

I plan on going back soon. I think she helped me frame some of what I was already feeling/thinking. -

Erik