It has been a long time since we have posted. We have so much to share. For now we will just say Thank You to everyone who has been with us and has been following our journey. We will be working on fully functioning website but will be directing heavensentpenny.org to the blogger site where it all started. We are shooting for Penny's 2nd Anniversary as the relaunch date. 3/29/16. Stay tuned.
Erik & Leslie
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
It's been a while...
So much has happened since our last post. Our son just celebrated his 4th month. We have been healing as a family and soaking in the joy of his presence in our lives. We have returned to the normal riggers of raising 3 children. Some days are more challenging than others but we are so grateful for the happiness they bring to us.
Since our last post we celebrated Penelope's first anniversary of her passing. It was tough to get through. We went to the cemetery to place flowers. Oddly, we didn't feel the same connection/emotions at the cemetery for her anniversary as we did for her birthday. Maybe because the birthday was the first time going back after her burial. I personally do not associate the site with her. I feel her everywhere. We probably will not be back until her 2nd birthday.
On her anniversary we held a poetry reading in honor of her life. I read 10 poems that I had written throughout the year. I hope to upload the recording onto the blog so everyone can hear it. It was incredibly healing. We had friends and family there to support us.
Shortly after her anniversary we received a note from the family that received Penny's heart. It was an amazingly bittersweet event. We wanted so bad to hear how the little girl was doing that we didn't factor in how we'd feel once we did. The family was very gracious to us in the letter and let us know the child is doing better and on the road to recovery. We aren't sure if we will meet them yet. They have offered. We haven't yet written back. It is something we are working through.
On June 7th we ran the NJ Sharing Network 5k. We had a team of great and caring friends running with us. We were able to raise almost $500 for the organization. I ran it with our 6 year old. The day before I explained, as best I could, about organ donation and how Penny was a donor. Really wanted her to understand why we were running. I think she did.
In HeavenSentPenny news; we plan on sending a couple of care packages out soon. We are putting our hearts into these first two HeavenSentPenny boxes. Will have updates on how they come out.
We hope to be more frequent in our posts moving forward. The last 4 months have been a whirlwind. Our minds have been so occupied with the little guy and healing as best we can. We are still so very grateful for the support we received after our loss and all the support we are still receiving from our amazing family and friends. It really has been the only way we have made it this far.
Thank you again for following our journey, whether through Facebook, Instagram, the blog, or just knowing our story in person. We want so much to pay it forward. Should you know someone who has recently experienced an infant loss please direct them to us. We would love to be a support to them.
Erik & Leslie
Since our last post we celebrated Penelope's first anniversary of her passing. It was tough to get through. We went to the cemetery to place flowers. Oddly, we didn't feel the same connection/emotions at the cemetery for her anniversary as we did for her birthday. Maybe because the birthday was the first time going back after her burial. I personally do not associate the site with her. I feel her everywhere. We probably will not be back until her 2nd birthday.
On her anniversary we held a poetry reading in honor of her life. I read 10 poems that I had written throughout the year. I hope to upload the recording onto the blog so everyone can hear it. It was incredibly healing. We had friends and family there to support us.
Shortly after her anniversary we received a note from the family that received Penny's heart. It was an amazingly bittersweet event. We wanted so bad to hear how the little girl was doing that we didn't factor in how we'd feel once we did. The family was very gracious to us in the letter and let us know the child is doing better and on the road to recovery. We aren't sure if we will meet them yet. They have offered. We haven't yet written back. It is something we are working through.
On June 7th we ran the NJ Sharing Network 5k. We had a team of great and caring friends running with us. We were able to raise almost $500 for the organization. I ran it with our 6 year old. The day before I explained, as best I could, about organ donation and how Penny was a donor. Really wanted her to understand why we were running. I think she did.
In HeavenSentPenny news; we plan on sending a couple of care packages out soon. We are putting our hearts into these first two HeavenSentPenny boxes. Will have updates on how they come out.
We hope to be more frequent in our posts moving forward. The last 4 months have been a whirlwind. Our minds have been so occupied with the little guy and healing as best we can. We are still so very grateful for the support we received after our loss and all the support we are still receiving from our amazing family and friends. It really has been the only way we have made it this far.
Thank you again for following our journey, whether through Facebook, Instagram, the blog, or just knowing our story in person. We want so much to pay it forward. Should you know someone who has recently experienced an infant loss please direct them to us. We would love to be a support to them.
Erik & Leslie
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Penn
With the birth of our son on Wednesday I was overcome with a lot of emotions.
First was fear. I was afraid of everything that could go wrong during labor. I was afraid I wouldn't bond with him at birth. I was afraid about taking him home. I was afraid of being constantly afraid.
I felt guilty. Guilty that his birth would overshadow the little girl we lost. Guilty of letting happiness come in and eliminate the sadness I've felt since she has been gone. Guilty that I would forget the pain of losing.
Happy. I felt happy because we were excited about his arrival. That we would have another little one in our lives. Happy that my children were so excited about their little brother.
As I sit here, four days removed from his birth, I feel content. I feel healed. I feel restored. I feel a guilt free joy. A joy I didn't think would ever be possible. I feel as if the weight of sadness that I've carried, that was unbearable, he lifted it off of me. I wasn't prepared for that.
I felt her presence at the hospital. As I held him for the first time it was almost like I was holding her, for the last time. In a strange way it felt like I was holding them both. That yearning to hold her again was being satisfied through him. I've never experienced such a healing experience. I obviously broke down in tears. But I haven't cried since.
I see him. I see him for him. I see him as a separate being. I was afraid my thoughts of her would overwhelm my bonding with him. But that has not been the case. I've been able to bask in everything that he is. I've held him and been able to focus solely on him.
For now I hope to continue to heal. We gave him the middle name Penn to honor his big sister Penny. We will make sure he knows who she is always.
Erik
First was fear. I was afraid of everything that could go wrong during labor. I was afraid I wouldn't bond with him at birth. I was afraid about taking him home. I was afraid of being constantly afraid.
I felt guilty. Guilty that his birth would overshadow the little girl we lost. Guilty of letting happiness come in and eliminate the sadness I've felt since she has been gone. Guilty that I would forget the pain of losing.
Happy. I felt happy because we were excited about his arrival. That we would have another little one in our lives. Happy that my children were so excited about their little brother.
As I sit here, four days removed from his birth, I feel content. I feel healed. I feel restored. I feel a guilt free joy. A joy I didn't think would ever be possible. I feel as if the weight of sadness that I've carried, that was unbearable, he lifted it off of me. I wasn't prepared for that.
I felt her presence at the hospital. As I held him for the first time it was almost like I was holding her, for the last time. In a strange way it felt like I was holding them both. That yearning to hold her again was being satisfied through him. I've never experienced such a healing experience. I obviously broke down in tears. But I haven't cried since.
I see him. I see him for him. I see him as a separate being. I was afraid my thoughts of her would overwhelm my bonding with him. But that has not been the case. I've been able to bask in everything that he is. I've held him and been able to focus solely on him.
For now I hope to continue to heal. We gave him the middle name Penn to honor his big sister Penny. We will make sure he knows who she is always.
Erik
Monday, January 19, 2015
Happy Birthday Penny.
It was a hard weekend to get through. Penny's first
birthday was on Saturday. We spent Friday evening recalling our trip to the
hospital to give birth. We talked about how easy the labor was with her. She was
born 5 hours after we arrived. At 2am. We cried in our memories of that day.
On Saturday morning I woke up early to pick up some
flowers and our rental car. Luckily enough the deli in the neighborhood had
white roses. I bought 3 dozen. Walking towards the car I thought of the flowers
I wouldn't get the chance to give her.
We drove to the cemetery. It was cold but it was the
bluest sky I've seen in a long time. But to think of it the day we buried her
was almost identical. We spent some time with her. We laid down the flowers one
by one with her brother and sister. We shed less tears. This was our first time
there since. I thought I'd be more emotional. Maybe it's because I believe her
essence isn't in what remains here physically but what has moved on.
We struggle with associating her memory with the pain we
feel. We are working on filtering the bad and remembering the good memories.
I'm sure that is going to be a challenge the rest of our lives.
No we stay strong until March 29th. The anniversary of
her passing. That evening I'll be reading some poems I've written through the
grieving/healing process.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
2015
We had plans to be more aggressive in starting HeavenSentPenny but the realities of the grieving process delayed things a bit. We decided to just hold off until our hearts were stronger for the task. Our goal for 2015 is to continue the creation of HSP so that we can be there for those who have experienced infant loss. Now at least in a better emotional position than 2014. We are planning a fundraising event in March to memorialize Penny & to launch the org. More info to come.
Friday, November 28, 2014
Thanksgiving
Yesterday was tough. A lot tougher than we thought it was going to be. Maybe we thought because we were healing and were feeling stronger recently that we could breeze through... But no dice.
I think it crept up on me in the morning. As my other two were playing in the living room. The gravity of the holiday sunk in my heart. Don't get me wrong. We have so much to be thankful for. Through our family tragedy we received so much love and support. It has carried us for the last 9 months. But as I observed them in play I could only imagine her. Her crawling and playing and screaming along with the others. I could imagine the "First Thanksgiving" onesie we've bought our other kids. I could imagine loading up the car full of kids and heading to have Thanksgiving dinner at our families house.
The day went from acknowledging thanks to sadness. The sadness led to anxiety. Anxiety of having to smile and pretend that we were okay when during this holiday we were not. We thought we would be...
Generally, we are okay. And when we say we are it is the truth. God has provided us with healing. Just this holiday, as much as it helped recognize the good that has happened this year, it ultimately also served as a reminder of what we no longer have...
So we decided to stay home. We ran to the market and purchased some Thanksgiving fixings. We whipped up a quick meal. And we prayed and ate as a nuclear. On a makeshift table we laughed and healed and talked about what we are thankful for. The day ended a little better than it started.
Hopefully our family forgives us for not attending or at least understands.
Hope everyone had a great Holiday. We thank you for thinking and praying for us during the day. We did feel them.
Erik
I think it crept up on me in the morning. As my other two were playing in the living room. The gravity of the holiday sunk in my heart. Don't get me wrong. We have so much to be thankful for. Through our family tragedy we received so much love and support. It has carried us for the last 9 months. But as I observed them in play I could only imagine her. Her crawling and playing and screaming along with the others. I could imagine the "First Thanksgiving" onesie we've bought our other kids. I could imagine loading up the car full of kids and heading to have Thanksgiving dinner at our families house.
The day went from acknowledging thanks to sadness. The sadness led to anxiety. Anxiety of having to smile and pretend that we were okay when during this holiday we were not. We thought we would be...
Generally, we are okay. And when we say we are it is the truth. God has provided us with healing. Just this holiday, as much as it helped recognize the good that has happened this year, it ultimately also served as a reminder of what we no longer have...
So we decided to stay home. We ran to the market and purchased some Thanksgiving fixings. We whipped up a quick meal. And we prayed and ate as a nuclear. On a makeshift table we laughed and healed and talked about what we are thankful for. The day ended a little better than it started.
Hopefully our family forgives us for not attending or at least understands.
Hope everyone had a great Holiday. We thank you for thinking and praying for us during the day. We did feel them.
Erik
Friday, November 14, 2014
Organ donation update.
In the last couple of days we received news that the letters we wrote to the families of the organ recipients were never delivered. Because the donations went to different states the chain of communication is long. There are privacy rules in place.
Long story short there was a breakdown in the chain and because of a language barrier between us and the recipient families. The letters were never received.
What we know so far is that the children who received Penny's liver and heart are doing well. Both parents were excited to hear that we had written to them. They should be getting our messages to them in the next day or so.
I got the full update yesterday at work. After a few minutes it sunk in. And I broke down. I was excited to know that the children are well but it was a reminder that Penny is not with us. Bittersweet doesn't begin to explain. Hope to one day meet the families. But realize it will be more difficult that I thought.
We are so grateful for our representative at the NJ Sharing Network. She has been tireless in tracking down the right contacts at the recipient angencies. And following up with us.
This Monday she would have be 10 months old...
Erik
Long story short there was a breakdown in the chain and because of a language barrier between us and the recipient families. The letters were never received.
What we know so far is that the children who received Penny's liver and heart are doing well. Both parents were excited to hear that we had written to them. They should be getting our messages to them in the next day or so.
I got the full update yesterday at work. After a few minutes it sunk in. And I broke down. I was excited to know that the children are well but it was a reminder that Penny is not with us. Bittersweet doesn't begin to explain. Hope to one day meet the families. But realize it will be more difficult that I thought.
We are so grateful for our representative at the NJ Sharing Network. She has been tireless in tracking down the right contacts at the recipient angencies. And following up with us.
This Monday she would have be 10 months old...
Erik
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